Honesty

The strange and horrible thing about a dishonest person. Is that they can make you feel like you are as dishonest as them, even when you aren't. I weary of dishonesty. I just wish people could do things the right way and nothing would be tainted. It is something I want to be more conscious of. I want to always be sure to go out of my way to do things the honest way.

We had a long arduous staff meeting today. All of our staff meetings make me feel as though nothing I do is valued or makes a difference. I literally have to fight to get my students services that should be given. The excuse I was given today was we have at least a hundred kids at our big school with the same issue. Why is that an acceptable reason to NOT provide services. The other teachers are just as frustrated as you. Okay then why aren't we helping these kids. The answer was dodged artfully and carefully. I am sure it comes down to money. This is part of the reason why public school fails. You say this is an issue again, and again, and again. You are saying the system is broken again, and again, and again. The only response you get is yes it is an issue but you have to follow this system. Even if the system is either broken or doesn't work in certain circumstances. If virtually all of your teachers are saying this doesn't work.. why don't you listen? It isn't one or two who refuse to use it or have bad attitudes. The majority are saying it doesn't work. UGGH  As teachers we get the blame if our students don't learn. Period. However, sometimes we are fighting soooooooo unbelievable hard a system we know is broken to get our students what they need to be successful. That is the frustration. We KNOW we should be doing more. We WANT to do more. We just are  flying a kite in a hurricane. The hurricane is going to win. The kite might be seen but the hurricane will be seen and HEARD.

I have a tendency to take on too much responsibilities. However, I think we all need to at a small school. The staff simply isn't large enough to spread out the responsibilities. Lately though I've looked around and wondered am I the only one still working? The fact is I have been. I've walked out of my classroom at 3:45 and it is silent. Not a single person in the building. Apparently we don't worry about contract hours here. I think to myself how can they have everything done? Am I less organized than them? Nope I'm not but what I do is actually grade papers not just the "important ones". I  don't see how education is ever going to not involve grading. Some of my colleagues seem to think the switch to C.C.S.S. will involve less grading. When I read them and then listen to my Principal... I wonder if we are reading the same sets of standards. I think we all can easily get stuck on one aspect of a new concept instead of looking at the picture as a whole.

Speaking of taking on more responsibility. I was made Athletic Director. I had been asked by our superintendent to do it. I told my principal. My principal didn't share it with the staff. I didn't feel like it was my place to do so. I got a lot of attitude about this. It was being manipulated to go to a certain person. I had a feeling it was being manipulated but I didn't know which person. I was proud of myself when it was brought up I stayed silent. My principal said actually the "super" already promised it to her. The principal then said " he overstepped his bounds by doing so" "that is the principals job". That didn't make me feel very good.  The principal wasn't doing the job but allowing others to do it. I was asked, I shared that with my boss, and left it alone. I was letting the chips fall and wasn't going to argue it. It made me feel like I was doing something sneaky. I didn't bring it up to the "super" it was asked of me. It is this kind of stuff that stresses me out. So I will be doing that job next year. It will involve scheduling, hiring coaching staff, organizing athletic events, etc. I will have some learning to do  but I am up for the challenge.

Everything I've been through this last year I hope I have learned from. The things I need to work on like keeping my mouth shut :). I was thinking how important it is to have people around you that you respect and value their opinion. The respect is a key component. The more I see with some things the less respect I have. If we all did our jobs to the best of our ability every single day....we'd make great strides. I am glad that I have so many people I can call on to get ideas from. They have the experience and expertise to back up their suggestions. I think I've been yelling out "HELP" and have been instead greeted with criticism, excuses, and avoidance. The people who are doing it and doing it well. I really appreciate their help. Sometimes I feel like my little town is a little island and I can't seem to build a boat and paddle fast enough!

I wish I could stop going to these meetings... see how discouraged I get after one? I need some positivity around me. I have to go into town tomorrow for some car maintenance and a wee bit of shopping. I'm headed to the big city for one night this weekend. Then I have to be in a training on Monday. Tuesday we are going on a field trip, and Wednesday is the last day of school. Thursday is a work day. The following week I am in a class and preschool begins. Here we go summer! Here we go!